Grief & Acceptance

I've felt slightly upset with the idea of Sprout's upcoming birth. It was really confusing to me as to why I was upset. I am sure if I had told anyone of this, they'd pin my upset on the hysterectomy, but no, that's not it. Losing my uterus is something my husband and I knew could happen. It's the main reason we made sure we were done having our own children before I started my surrogacy journey over 5 years ago.

I pondered my feelings for a couple of days, trying to figure out just what it is making me hesitant for this day to come. Typically I am excited, I can't wait, it's nerve-wracking and wonderful wrapped in one. But I wasn't feeling that, and I was trying to dig deep to figure out why before that day came.

I figured it out. I have c-sections, that's how it is and how it has to be for me. I've had to answer the, "Why a c-section?" numerous times. I understand why people ask, and I don't take offense, but sometimes I want to say, "Because I said so!" Heh. I don't choose this, but I make the best of it. I am not afraid of a section. Yes, it's surgery, and there's risk and it's not the best thing overall, but for me, it's my only "choice". I've been accepting of this for awhile.

This time I won't be having the section I had dreamed about. I won't be laying there watching one of Sprout's dads as he waits in anticipation of Sprout emerging from my belly. Instead I will either be alone or with my husband (my husband because there's so many more issues this time, more possibility of things going wrong, and I need that support). But they may not even let him in for the birth or hysterectomy, which I am slowly becoming accepting of until I hear their final decision. I won't be able to breastfeed the baby as soon as I'd like, instead I'll be laying there having my uterus and cervix taken out.

I won't see the first time the intended daddies lay eyes on their son. Every time so far, I've been there to witness the parents seeing their child for the first time. And both times, it sounds silly but it was so true, the clock stopped. I can explain in detail as to what their faces looked like, what they said, what the baby was wearing (or in the second surrogacy, how he was skin to skin with his mama immediately), etc. I won't get that this time. That is what surrogacy is for me, seeing that first time. It makes all of the waiting, the frustrations with trying but not getting pregnant immediately, the boring paperwork with the lawyers, and so on worth it! So, letting go of that has been most difficult. But in the end, this is about their family, and I'll still get a few days in the hospital, watching both daddies bond with their son.. which begins to make up for me missing the first time they see him.

So, I figured it out my upset. I have so many friends that had a birth that went wrong somehow or another, and their next birth is what they hope is healing for them (and usually is). Long ago I accepted that I'll never have the birth I've always dreamed of - birthing a baby vaginally, feeling my body working on bringing this life I had been growing to the outside world finally. Today I was reading something about this woman being excited as she's due soon, and it will be so healing for her, and I just thought, "I'm jealous." I'm not jealous, but part of me is sad that my last one won't be as easy as previous ones (yes, sections have been relatively easy, I know..). The uncertainty of this has me feeling slightly out of control and frustrated. I am the type that has to be in control, has to plan in advance - just ask my husband, he's dealt with over ten years of my planning everything (he's the opposite, by the way). Having to let go and knowing I'll lose some of what I was looking forward to is .. sad.

I'm okay for the most part now. I had someone give me grief for Googling statistics about mortality rates for what I'm facing. But with how the OB kept going on and on about my chance of death, it shook me up so bad that day, that I had to Google that night or I'd not sleep. And surprisingly my finding the rate and reading up about things helped me a great deal. I feel much more relaxed and accepting, it's just working on being accepting of even the small things that I won't get this time. That's hard but I'm working on it. :)

34 Weeks - Ramblings, birthdays, belly pics..

Your baby now weighs about 4 3/4 pounds (like your average cantaloupe) and is almost 18 inches long. Her fat layers — which will help regulate her body temperature once she's born — are filling her out, making her rounder. Her skin is also smoother than ever. Her central nervous system is maturing and her lungs are continuing to mature as well. If you've been nervous about preterm labor, you'll be happy to know that babies born between 34 and 37 weeks who have no other health problems generally do fine. They may need a short stay in the neonatal nursery and may have a few short-term health issues, but in the long run, they usually do as well as full-term babies.

34 weeks. Three weeks until Sprout is evicted, unless he decides to try and come earlier (or my body decides that, which it'd better not). I really do doubt that he'll come earlier than they're taking him. I'm not just saying that, I feel it deep down. I hope I am not proven wrong either!

Regardless, I was feeling particularly out of sorts in the past few days.. still am actually. I've lost some of my desire to nest, as I don't want to take these final days for granted nor rush them. I want to enjoy this pregnancy as I have a good feeling it's my last. I did pack my hospital bag, though. There wasn't much to pack, but thankfully I've been updating my list for what I need, so I had a good idea of what to toss in there. I still need to throw in some clothes at the last minute, but it's ready to go. I am sure it'll sit there for three week until D-Day, but that's okay! I feel good that it's ready. I don't typically use my regular camera (so dependent on my iPhone camera anymore!), but I packed it along with extra batteries/charger just in case things go before Sprout's daddies get here.

I'm pretty emotional lately. I feel badly that Sprout is coming out early, though I know I can't control that. Obviously if I could control things, I'd drag my placenta upward and have them do the section at 39/40 weeks instead. I feel confident that things will be okay with him at birth, though. I try not to dwell on things too much, but I've realized lately that I am burying some feelings. I don't want to talk about them with most, and it's nothing against anyone, I just need to keep some things to myself. I'm worried about what will happen during the section. And I have people saying they went through a similar experience, and all was well. That's great, it is and it's reassuring to me! But I'm the type that while I try to remain positive, I look at all possibilities to be prepared. And some of those possibilities are scary. When you are the type that needs to be in control, yet an instance comes up where you have to let go? It's hard! That's all I prefer to say here about that. If you're reading this and we're friends (or family) and I haven't spoke with you about this, please know it's nothing against you. I'm barely even talking to my husband about this right now. It's not weighing TOO heavily on my heart, it's just little fears that pop up occasionally.

So, enjoying the pregnancy is on my "to do" list for now. That plus my kids finishing up the school year, along with field trips, book fair, etc. I'm trying to focus on them. I'm in a pretty emotional part of pregnancy, with it winding down, and I think hormones just going crazier than usual. I mean, I feel bad that I'm going to leave them with my mother in law while I'm in the hospital. I have to laugh after typing out that sentence, but it's true! They love grandma and grandpa's house, so that is helpful for me. They already know that Sprout is coming out on their last day of school, and grandma will be taking them to her house after for a few days. They're excited, which is nice.

I apologize if this post makes me seemed scatterbrained, but.. I am!

Overall I am feeling good still. Sprout is busy digging his toes into my ribs a lot lately, which is pretty painful, but it's kind of cute in a way. He still prefers my left side, I can feel his little bottom resting to the left quite often. When I flip sides while in bed, I can feel him moving around, almost like he's having to pick a new spot to get comfy in, haha. His movements wake me up quite a bit anymore. I love that, though it's scared me a few times. If I am sleeping deeply, I will wake and wonder why the bed is moving when I then realize it's him just rolling around in there.

I think the other thing helping the end of this pregnancy be wonderful, despite the issues we're facing health wise, is my wonderful IFs - Sprout's daddies. They are so amazing. I feel so incredibly blessed to be helping such awesome men become fathers! I was so hesitant to do this again, I really was. I still remember the first time one of my IFs emailed me, and I was resistant overall. I wanted to do this, but I was unsure and not wanting what happened before (long story, eeps). They were understanding, they were reassuring, and we talked a great deal with no pressure from them ever. It was nice. I am so glad I took the plunge, and through the months of trying and the frustrations of not getting it (pregnant!), I'm surprised we're nearly there - at the goal, at the finish line! It feels like the past 1.5 years have flown by somewhat. I am just really pleased with where we are, and it's due to them being so fantastic, it really is. This may be something we all had to work for, but they made it so much easier, so much more enjoyable. I am going to be a mess of tears seeing them with their son, the tears will be from the excitement, and the relief of knowing we made it. I can't wait.

So, Happy 34 Weeks to Sprout and Happy 29th Birthday to me! This is my first of many 29th birthdays, haha. And hopefully Sprout hangs around in that comfy space within me for another 3 weeks before he makes it his birthday.

34 week belly! I feel like he's dropping a bit!

33 Weeks + News

This week your baby weighs a little over 4 pounds (heft a pineapple) and has passed the 17-inch mark. He's rapidly losing that wrinkled, alien look and his skeleton is hardening. The bones in his skull aren't fused together, which allows them to move and slightly overlap, thus making it easier for him to fit through the birth canal. (The pressure on the head during birth is so intense that many babies are born with a conehead-like appearance.) These bones don't entirely fuse until early adulthood, so they can grow as his brain and other tissue expands during infancy and childhood.

 33 weeks! And here I was thinking I had 6-7 more weeks with little man, but apparently I have 4! Yes, FOUR.

I had my appointment this morning where they did an ultrasound to determine if the placenta had moved at all. It had moved, right back over my cervix, NOT the way we wanted it to go. This is called placenta previa and if I were to go into labor, I'd need to RUSH to the hospital as the placenta cannot come out before baby.. to sum it up. There's risk of hemorrhage and such, so it's not good, but not terrible as I haven't had spotting issues since verrrry early on this pregnancy.

Not the best news, but I'm okay with it for the most part. I mean, there's not much I can do, so we make the best of it! The doctor and I talked a lot and decided that Sprout will be born at 37 weeks, which is one month from today! Between this and my kids getting out of school that day (so sad that I'll miss their last day :( ), this next month will fly!

There is a chance I could lose my uterus, depending on how attached the placenta is (if it's grown through the uterine wall basically). I'm okay with this, I knew it was a possibility. I just made sure to verify with the doctor that they would leave my ovaries intact, and he said yes. I want my ovaries since removal of those is what could cause a number of hormonal issues for me, and I don't need those issues until menopause! ;)

Baby looks great! He has hair! It was so cute to see the hair floating around on his head during the ultrasound. He is measuring big, but as the doctor said - we have blood work confirming his conception date, and I of course know darn well that was his conception date anyway for a number of reasons! Based on measurements, which can be inaccurate somewhat at this late gestation, he is measuring at about 6.5 lbs. The doctor said he'd bet that baby is at least 5.5 minimum, if not the 6.5, just from how well/ahead he measured for everything.

So, not what I wanted exactly, but it could be worse, and there's not much I can do but continue to do my best this pregnancy and carry him for another month until he meets his eviction date.. and meets his Daddies! :D

Other than all of that, I am feeling great. Maneuvering around my belly has become .. interesting. I was having a heck of a time getting myself off of the couch last night. Note to self: Do not lay down and NOT have the coffee table near, because you need that table to hold on to while hoisting yourself UP. :O

I do feel the desire to get going NOW on frozen meals. Eeeks. I had been putting it off for no real reason, but with one month left, I think I should get started. It'll help me feel as though I am nesting, too.