Grief & Acceptance

I've felt slightly upset with the idea of Sprout's upcoming birth. It was really confusing to me as to why I was upset. I am sure if I had told anyone of this, they'd pin my upset on the hysterectomy, but no, that's not it. Losing my uterus is something my husband and I knew could happen. It's the main reason we made sure we were done having our own children before I started my surrogacy journey over 5 years ago.

I pondered my feelings for a couple of days, trying to figure out just what it is making me hesitant for this day to come. Typically I am excited, I can't wait, it's nerve-wracking and wonderful wrapped in one. But I wasn't feeling that, and I was trying to dig deep to figure out why before that day came.

I figured it out. I have c-sections, that's how it is and how it has to be for me. I've had to answer the, "Why a c-section?" numerous times. I understand why people ask, and I don't take offense, but sometimes I want to say, "Because I said so!" Heh. I don't choose this, but I make the best of it. I am not afraid of a section. Yes, it's surgery, and there's risk and it's not the best thing overall, but for me, it's my only "choice". I've been accepting of this for awhile.

This time I won't be having the section I had dreamed about. I won't be laying there watching one of Sprout's dads as he waits in anticipation of Sprout emerging from my belly. Instead I will either be alone or with my husband (my husband because there's so many more issues this time, more possibility of things going wrong, and I need that support). But they may not even let him in for the birth or hysterectomy, which I am slowly becoming accepting of until I hear their final decision. I won't be able to breastfeed the baby as soon as I'd like, instead I'll be laying there having my uterus and cervix taken out.

I won't see the first time the intended daddies lay eyes on their son. Every time so far, I've been there to witness the parents seeing their child for the first time. And both times, it sounds silly but it was so true, the clock stopped. I can explain in detail as to what their faces looked like, what they said, what the baby was wearing (or in the second surrogacy, how he was skin to skin with his mama immediately), etc. I won't get that this time. That is what surrogacy is for me, seeing that first time. It makes all of the waiting, the frustrations with trying but not getting pregnant immediately, the boring paperwork with the lawyers, and so on worth it! So, letting go of that has been most difficult. But in the end, this is about their family, and I'll still get a few days in the hospital, watching both daddies bond with their son.. which begins to make up for me missing the first time they see him.

So, I figured it out my upset. I have so many friends that had a birth that went wrong somehow or another, and their next birth is what they hope is healing for them (and usually is). Long ago I accepted that I'll never have the birth I've always dreamed of - birthing a baby vaginally, feeling my body working on bringing this life I had been growing to the outside world finally. Today I was reading something about this woman being excited as she's due soon, and it will be so healing for her, and I just thought, "I'm jealous." I'm not jealous, but part of me is sad that my last one won't be as easy as previous ones (yes, sections have been relatively easy, I know..). The uncertainty of this has me feeling slightly out of control and frustrated. I am the type that has to be in control, has to plan in advance - just ask my husband, he's dealt with over ten years of my planning everything (he's the opposite, by the way). Having to let go and knowing I'll lose some of what I was looking forward to is .. sad.

I'm okay for the most part now. I had someone give me grief for Googling statistics about mortality rates for what I'm facing. But with how the OB kept going on and on about my chance of death, it shook me up so bad that day, that I had to Google that night or I'd not sleep. And surprisingly my finding the rate and reading up about things helped me a great deal. I feel much more relaxed and accepting, it's just working on being accepting of even the small things that I won't get this time. That's hard but I'm working on it. :)