Goodbye uterus & cervix, I'm okay..

Forgive me if I repeat things from prior posts, but this is my outlet for this, so here goes..

I'm okay. I don't want to say good or great, but I am okay. I was becoming slightly bitter with myself in the past week. I realized I was more focused on my loss of reproductive ability vs. being focused on Sprout's arrival. I was mad that I couldn't focus on the latter. I was feeling this need to dig deep. I mean, I should know why I'm so focused on my loss, but overall, I am okay with it, so..? And this day, for me (honestly!), is more about this baby's arrival. So, why couldn't I shake my focus away from other things and focus on what is to come with this baby?

It's not as if I can't think of both, I realize. But I have no control over this, and my having no control is difficult for me. I am typically the type that wants to control things, that wants to plan ahead. This? This is out of my hands completely. That. Is. Scary. But I've put my faith in the doctors, and I've thrown up my hands and thought to myself, "Have at me! Just be gentle, please." It's the most I can do. I've grown this baby to the best of my ability, and I have no regrets. I'm fine with not being able to have babies in the future! It's just the surgery, the hysterectomy, the bleeding out part.. egads.

Overall, I am going to try and think about the positive in this, though. And with that, I went against the rule I gave myself when I discovered the completely previa was still there. I said I was not going to Google, I was not going to read up on this, I was just going to go with my gut (and I have gone with my gut on a lot of things!). But last night I backed down somewhat, I Googled some more. I specifically read up on the experiences of other women that have went through this (this being a "c-hyst" as it's called). And some stories were scary, some were good overall. It seems that usually the scary ones were the ones where previa was unexpected, or the mother began bleeding and had to delivery early. Granted, Sprout is arriving three weeks early, but compared to a baby arriving at 32 weeks, 37 is much better. Everyday really counts at this point.

I am glad that I Googled, because many women said their c-hysts were vastly different than their previous c-sections. Their recoveries were more difficult, they had more pain, the energy took longer to return. I am glad to read this, because my OB was telling me this wouldn't be different (recovery wise) from my sections before. So, I feel a bit more prepared in expecting the unexpected.

I am still elated **knock on wood** that I've had no bleeding issues. 85% of women with complete previa experience bleeding by something like 32 weeks? I had some spotting issues in early pregnancy, but it wasn't due to the placenta then. So, I am happy with my body, even if the placenta is being a bear.

I'm trying to enjoy the last few days. It's so weird to know so far in advance as to when this boy is coming out. I am praying he hangs in there until then. I keep finding myself picturing that morning, going in and getting prepped, having the daddies there as well as my husband (talk about some awesome support, I am lucky that the three of them will be there!), being wheeled in.. and for the most part I feel excitement with a side of being semi-apprehensive.

My next pre-op appointment is Thursday. I have a few questions for the doctor, and she'll receive a copy of the sheet that specifies what the daddies want with their child (or do not want, in some cases). I am hoping she is receptive. I have yet to meet her, I've only spoken with her twice, so I am hoping she has a kind bedside manner. In the end, I just want her to do her best when operating on me, though! So, if she has a terrible bedside manner but is the best available for this operation? Bring it on, right? Ha.

And there's some more rambling as I come to terms with this. Overall I am accepting, but it hits me every now and again - this is it, I am done. It's not just the baby coming out, it's my uterus and cervix. No more babies for others, no more babies for myself - the former being more difficult to accept than the latter! :) But I'm okay.