My Hopes Aren't Up

Okay, my hopes are up. I don't even mind, I'm not even mad at myself for admitting this. My hopes are UP. I am excited. A couple of days ago I let this thought enter my head, "If this cycle doesn't work, I am going to be so pissed." Honestly, I'm at the pissed point and I don't apologize. I used to tell myself that we haven't been trying for all that long, some people try for much longer (surrogacy or not). For me to be pissed is not selfish, it's just an honest feeling that I am allowed to have.

But I am doing my best to not focus on that thought. I don't want to think about it, because for now, we are to remain hopeful for this cycle. We have no reason NOT to be, right? Exactly. My hopes are up and I can't deny it, and I am excited and feeling positive.

We've done two days of insems now (Monday and Tuesday), with tomorrow being our third and final day. I got a nearly positive ovulation test on Sunday night, which was a touch earlier than usual for me, but then it was completely positive Monday night. I would have had a positive ovulation test before the night hours, I am sure, but somehow *I* forgot to test all day. If you know me, you know how out of character that is for me. I mean, surrogacy and pregnancy has been on my mind more than ever before in the past couple of days. ;)

So, ovulation may be tonight, maybe tomorrow. Our timing is.. I almost dislike this word for fear of .. oh hell, who cares? Our timing is perfect. There. I SAID IT.

And while some (my husband...) may laugh at me, I am so excited that tomorrow is a full moon. This means little to most, I know, but it's believed by some that women are more fertile when they are ovulating along with the full moon! Hey, I'll take it.

To finish this blog post, I have to make note of how emotional I have been over the past two days. I am crying over the littlest of things (happy things, thankfully). This isn't like me at all, but here I am, dried tears on my face having just watched Parenthood on TV. It was a great episode that included the birth of a baby and good news regarding an adoption, and I was a mess of tears by the end of the show. It must be the hormones surrounding ovulation that are making me like this? I find it funny.

Have I mentioned that I'm hormonal and my hopes are up? Someone take stock in Kleenex asap.